Breaking The Pattern…

So here I am yet again, embarrassed by my actions because of alcohol. We’ve all been there. We say “oh I was lit! I don’t remember any thing. What a great time!” But was it actually a great time?

What’s fun about blacking out anymore???🤔🤔🤔 and how can not remembering your actions the night before in any way be fun? Maybe this was fun when we were young and had no worries, but this now affects our life. My life. I, again, fucked up. I ran off. I got drunk. No filter Sorayah came out. It’s the next day and I’m sitting here embarrassed and sad by my actions. No one made me drink. No one told me how much to drink. I know my limits. I knew what I was doing. I fucked up. This is my own fault. Why do I keep doing this?😔

I do so good for a certain amount of time and I fall back into the same pattern for a night. This isn’t even fun!! I’m not enjoying myself. I’m too old to be getting like this. Why didn’t I just eat dinner before drinking? And just have one or two? The hangovers get worse. I’m in my older 20s acting like I’m still 21 on these occasions. Just making a fool out myself. ☹

I just want to say I’m sorry to everyone and anyone who I ever hurt. I know I have hurt some people very close to me over the years and I’m truly sorry.

I am better than this. This is not who I am. Drunk me is a completely different person and I don’t want to be her. I’ve cut my drinking down and I’m very happy with that decision, but it’s these times I forget my limit. I have too many and I black out.

Now here I am, left with a million thoughts on last night. Feeling ashamed with my behavior. 😳And sick to my stomach because of a hangover. Life sucks when you act like this. I hope I can continue to try and push myself to be a better person and not continue this pattern.

I deserve to be better for myself. I love myself way too much to be lost again.

I’m just sorry to anyone I ever hurt. And thanks to the ones who didn’t leave my side after all these years. I appreciate all of you guys! 💖

💔 c.f