Not Today.

You know, I haven’t really been sure how I’m quite feeling. And lately it feels like many people have been asking me that question.

“How are you feeling?” “Are you doing okay?”

I don’t know. Do you want to know if I’m feeling better at the moment or overall? Or are you asking how I feel deep down? You know, the way you feel right before bed when you’re stuck with your thoughts. When you’re all alone in the dark and you’re just staring at whatever object in your room, wondering how you got to where you are now.

Or how about the mornings. How do I feel at the beginning of the day? When I tell myself “It’s a new day, make it a positive one.” Don’t over-think in the shower. Don’t think of all the negatives from the day before and carry it over to this new day. I mean, only I have the power to control how my day goes, right? Either it’s going to be a good day or a shitty one depending on my attitude. A million things could go wrong just in the A.M, but how I handle it will justify how the rest of my day will go.

But that’s the problem……How will I handle it? It’s like an emotional roller coaster I cannot get off of.

Some days I feel like nothing can defeat me. I feel on top of the world. I know what I’m doing. Where I want to go in life. What I want to accomplish. But more importantly, I know who I am and who I will be. I count my blessings on these days. I look at everything I have and tell myself how lucky I am. Besides, I always gotten everything I ever wanted. The word “No” was never in conversation. Whatever Sorayah wanted, Sorayah got.

But then there are the days where life feels like it defeated me. I don’t have much interest in anything, but I can’t quit life. That’s the thing about shitty days. No matter how fucked up it gets, you have to keep going on. These are the days I still put my make up on,fix my hair, and go to work. Everything inside of me doesn’t want to go, but what am I supposed to do? Life doesn’t stop for anyone and it sure as hell isn’t going to stop for me.

I’ve sat at my desk with tears in my eyes. I’ve cried on lunch numerous times. I can’t even count on both of my hands how many times I’ve cried on the train to & from work. I’ve been an emotional wreck lately, but I’m not going to apologize for it. I’m hurt and I’m allowed to feel!! This is my absolute lowest I’ve felt in a VERY long time. Everyone sees me hurting on all of my social media sites, but I don’t even care anymore. I don’t care if I look weak for expressing how I feel or for crying!! I need to feel all of this so I can move passed it. I need to feel this as deeply as I am. And I’m not just writing this for some kind of pity party. I can already hear some people saying, “Here goes Sorayah back at it with the sad bullshit.” Well you know what?!! FUCK those people!! I wrote all of this for myself and for whoever can relate! Because sometimes it feels good to know someone else out there feels the same!

I know everything will work itself out and brighter days are still to come, but I guess I never realized how powerless money can be. You could have anything you ever wanted, but it’s not worth it if you’re sad within.

LaFlare