My 90 Pound Life

Do you guys remember when being skinny was in? All your girlfriends would tell you how much they “hate you” because you’re so slim and “cute.” That you have a perfect figure that they long for, but can never get…

I’m only 4’11, but I don’t think I’ve ever weighed more than 110 pounds in my life. This was already back in high school too. As the years passed, my weight started to decrease. This would be alarming if I was losing weight for no reason, but there was a reason.

After high school, I continued to binge drink a lot. It would get to the point where I was replacing food for alcohol. Now I wasn’t doing this to “cut calories” or to “watch my figure.” It was simply because I rather get drunk and hangout with my friends. If we ate, we ate. If we didn’t, I would eat later or maybe the next day. I had started to “train” my body how to eat once or twice a day. Now mix this with a hangover and I’m really skipping meals.

By 2014, I was struggling more than ever to keep the weight on. I had lost my dad within a matter of months and struggled with an abusive relationship. This only made me drink more and continue down the wrong path for a while. I was weighing about 95-100 pounds around this time. This is probably when I really noticed my weight dropping. I started to lose whatever “meat” I had on my bones because they were now becoming visible. People I hadn’t seen in a long time told me how skinny I had gotten. It really doesn’t take much to notice when I was slim to begin with…

Now it’s four years later, 2018, and I’m still struggling with my weight. Probably worse than before. I now weigh anywhere from 87 pounds to about 96 pounds depending on how much I’ve eaten the day prior and the day of. I’ve also minimized my alcohol intake so I can focus on eating more. BUT I’m ashamed to say I weigh 80 something pounds sometimes!! It makes me fucking sad. My doctors say I’m healthy weight wise and look great. Strangers on the street tell me my body is perfect and petite. My friends/significant other say I look good and admire my body, but I’m just like whyyyy?

Here’s why I’m thinking this way…..

Being skinny is now frowned upon and it’s not idolized as it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, there are still many fashion brands who focus on the “slim” look, but it’s not what it used to be. Many bloggers, influencers, celebrities, etc are encouraging our generation to love the way you look. To be comfortable in your own skin. I’m all for this and I think that this is great, especially for the women who have struggled throughout their lives not being slim. But what is NOT okay is making us “skinny” females feel bad about it….

I’ve always been a size 0 with no issue (double 00 for some). I wouldn’t even think twice before proudly saying my size, but now people will look at me with disgust. They will ask me if I am anorexic. They will ask if I’ve eaten today or if I eat at all for that matter. They will tell me nobody likes a “bone” or that I have “no curves.” They will pick me up like I’m some kind of object and begin to tell me how light I am.

How is this not body shaming? Just because I’m skinny it makes it okay to say these comments?

Yes, maybe us skinny women have had it easier than others, but it doesn’t make it okay to assume these comments are not hurtful.

My weight has become a touchy subject for me, as I still struggle to keep the weight on. I also found that having anxiety doesn’t really help my situation and makes it harder to have an appetite sometimes…

I just wanted to remind everyone that your “skinny” friend has feelings too. Don’t be so hard on her next time.

(Any advice is welcomed).

Xox

La Flare