My 90 Pound Life.

Do you guys remember when being skinny was in? All your girlfriends would tell you how much they “hate you” because you’re so slim and “cute.” That you have a perfect figure that they long for, but can never get…

I’m only 4’11, but I don’t think I’ve ever weighed more than 110 pounds in my life. This was already back in high school too. As the years passed, my weight started to decrease. This would be alarming if I was losing weight for no reason, but there was a reason.

After high school, I continued to binge drink a lot. It would get to the point where I was replacing food for alcohol. Now I wasn’t doing this to “cut calories” or to “watch my figure.” It was simply because I rather get drunk and hangout with my friends. If we ate, we ate. If we didn’t, I would eat later or maybe the next day. I had started to “train” my body how to eat once or twice a day. Now mix this with a hangover and I’m really skipping meals.

By 2014, I was struggling more than ever to keep the weight on. I had lost my dad within a matter of months and struggled with an abusive relationship. This only made me drink more and continue down the wrong path for a while. I was weighing about 95-100 pounds around this time. This is probably when I really noticed my weight dropping. I started to lose whatever “meat” I had on my bones because they were now becoming visible. People I hadn’t seen in a long time told me how skinny I had gotten. It really doesn’t take much to notice when I was slim to begin with…

Now it’s four years later, 2018, and I’m still struggling with my weight. Probably worse than before. I now weigh anywhere from 87 pounds to about 96 pounds depending on how much I’ve eaten the day prior and the day of. I’ve also minimized my alcohol intake so I can focus on eating more. BUTΒ I’m ashamed to say I weigh 80 something pounds sometimes!! It makes me fucking sad. My doctors say I’m healthy weight wise and look great. Strangers on the street tell me my body is perfect and petite. My friends/significant other say I look good and admire my body, but I’m just like whyyyy?

Snapchat-708228841

Here’s why I’m thinking this way…..

Being skinny is now frowned upon and it’s notΒ idealized as it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, there are still many fashion brands who focus on the “slim” look, but it’s not what it used to be. Many bloggers, influencers, celebrities, etc are encouraging our generation to love the way you look. To be comfortable in your own skin. I’m all for this and I think that this is great, especially for the women who have struggled throughout their lives not being slim. But what is NOT okay is making us “skinny” females feel bad about it….

I’ve always been a size 0 with no issue (double 00 for some). I wouldn’t even think twice before proudly saying my size, but now people will look at me with disgust. They will ask me if I am anorexic. They will ask if I’ve eaten today or if I eat at all for that matter. They will tell me nobody likes a “bone” or that I have “no curves.” They will pick me up like I’m some kind of object and begin to tell me how light I am.

How is this not body shaming? Just because I’m skinny it makes it okay to say these comments?

Yes, maybe us skinny women have had it easier than others, but it doesn’t make it okay to assume these comments are not hurtful.

My weight has become a touchy subject for me, as I still struggle to keep the weight on. I also found that having anxiety doesn’t really help my situation and makes it harder to have an appetite sometimes…

I just wanted to remind everyone that your “skinny” friend has feelings too. Don’t be so hard on her next time.

(Any advice is welcomed).

Xox

La Flare

 

44 thoughts on “My 90 Pound Life.

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  1. I’m 5’6” and I weigh about 96lbs. I’ve always been naturally super skinny and used to get bullied for it at school. Even now, I’m 19 years old, and random people always make comments about my weight and it sucks! I can eat and eat and eat I just don’t keep the weight on. Society is so damaging, making people of any weight feel wrong – but it’s so important to highlight the fact that skinny people don’t have it as easy as people think we do!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So brave for posting this! I did a post a while ago called skinny bashing in the hope to raise awareness that using the term ‘skinny’ is just as bad as calling someone ‘fat’. https://thediaryofellie.com/2018/05/19/skinny-bashing/ I’m 19, around 5’2″ and i’ve never weighed more than 84lbs in my entire life. I guess it comes with being built small but overall im healthy and im happy. Yeah i’d LOVE to gain weight easily and be a bit built bigger but theres nothing i can do about it. I’ve been reffered to the doctors because ‘i had an eating disorder’ when that wasnt the case at all and it’s the worst. As long as we’re healthy who cares. All good things come in small packages right?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you had to experience those horrible things. People live to put others down, but don’t continue to let others make you feel bad about yourself. At the end of the day you are healthy, and I know first hand how it can feel to struggle with the negative comments, but your mental health and feelings are more important. I wish you the best and I’m sending you lots of love!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In highschool I weighed between 80 and 85 pounds. I always struggled to gain weight and it wasn’t until I got pregnant not long out of high school that I actually began gaining, not much but it was a start. I hated how I looked even though everyone said I looked great. Thank you for sharing your story!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for this post. As a not-so-skinny girl, I think we tend to forget about our skinny friends’ feelings. We just assume they’ve got it all. Thank you for this reminder that all bodies are beautiful*

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry people have done that to you.. It is true that most people don’t think slim or skinny people have weight issues but they do.. My 2 oldest girls are on completely opposite ends of this.. My oldest is heavier and wishes she was skinny like all her friends, and my 2nd oldest wishes she had more meat on her like her sister.. I’m trying so hard to teach them to love themselves how they are.. Thanks for pointing this out.. Maybe more people will be a little more sensitive to the subjectπŸ’ž

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It can definitely be more challenging as a pre teen or teenager, I could only imagine in today’s society. They will learn as they get older! Thanks so much for reading ! πŸ˜ŠπŸ’•

      Like

  7. I was very thin at your age and people asked me if I was anorexic all the time and it made me so angry because people don’t walk up to heavy women and say they’re fat. It’s ok to be who you are, feel comfortable in the skin you’re in, and accept yourself. I liked being very thin, but of you don’t, you should try to love yourself and see your beauty in any way you can. Because you are beautiful!

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  8. Thank you for writing this! As a “fat” gal I know the effect people treating you a certain way because of your size can have. I have dealt with a massive increase in my weight recently and it really has gotten me down. It’s time for us to all stop body shaming whether that means shaming skinny people or fat people. I think this really did need to be said! BE COMFORTABLE whatever size you are!! That’s the message we should be spreading!
    Thanks for sharing lovely!
    Lots of love,
    Molly xo
    http://gracetoglowandgo.com

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I absolutely love this!! I have ALWAYS been skinnier and petite, and I hate how people would point it out, pick me up, call me a midget etc. I have feelings. Its hard. I can’t keep weight on, I am one of the unhealthiest eaters, yet I am still super skinny, and I know some people would love that, but like you said it is difficult. I wish more than anything I were curvier, had an actual shape to my body etc. but Ive come to accept the fact that I will never be that person. I completely get where you are coming from when you say that is use to be idolised, and now it is not. It makes me feel shameful of my body and size when everyone else is promoting a curvier woman. I don’t know its hard, but I love my body, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Loved this post girl xx
    http://zoe-ware.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yesssss , I know what you mean. I hate being picked up like some kind of doll ? Hurts my ribs lol. Thanks so much for reading πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’• Stay skinny & petite. πŸ™‚

      Like

  10. Thank you for sharing this! I struggled with anorexia for a lifetime. Everyone made comments like you experienced because ya know it’s real helpful πŸ™„
    But anyway, thank you for putting it into words. I overcame it almost 10 years ago, though! I’m very proud of that. πŸ’™

    Like

  11. Well done for speaking out body shaming works for all body types! My best friend has issues with her weight after a hospital stay and it took her a few years to get her weight back up! Just remember not matter how small you weigh or how big everybody is beautiful πŸ’—

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Weight has always been such a touchy subject, whether it’s being “fat” or “skinny”. I’ve been on the same spectrum as you when I was always around 90lbs and people telling me to eat a burger, etc. I struggled to gain weight and I started to hate how I felt being “skinny”. I eventually hired a Personal Trainer to start weight training and that was what put weight and muscle onto me! I’m 5’1, 24 years old, and now weight anywhere between 110lb – 115lb and I LOVE the way I look and feel.
    I honestly don’t know how I’d feel if I was ever back to my weight of 90ish but for now, I’m just happy with my body and how I look πŸ™‚ Regardless of what your weight is, ignore the naysayers and do what makes you happy – as cliche as that sounds!

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    1. Thanks so much for reading!! πŸ’•πŸ’• I always tell myself I should get a gym membership and try to put on some muscle . I know that would help so much !!

      Like

  13. I used to be really thin in high school, and I still thought I wasn’t thin enough. I got even thinner during my first year in college. It wasn’t until I started dating this boy and eating unhealthily that I started to gain weight. I have gained about 17 pounds within that time period, and while it may not sound like a lot to some, I started to feel terribly about myself. I’m glad you shared your story, because it’s so relatable. Everyone constantly thinks that the grass is greener on the other side, and it’s obviously not true. Great post xxx

    Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com

    Liked by 1 person

  14. personally i would ignore what most are saying. Which I know is very hard to do As long as you love how you feel then thats ok. The only people that I would ever listen to about my weight is my Dad, partner, a close friend or a doctor because I know they would be saying something only because they are worried. I hope this helps. take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Just wanted to encourage you to keep pressing towards what makes you feel good about being who you are and what you look like. The world will always have it’s own warped view of what beauty is. Find the beauty within yourself. You’re gorgeous and you have a beautiful smile. And this post clearly speaks to your strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. A friend shared this on Facebook and I’m so glad they did. Such an important message. On a similar but different note, I’m not ‘skinny’ but I am ‘reasonably slim.) Still, there have been moments (less so now as I’ve gained weight with age) where I’ve been made to feel as if I’m not allowed/entitled to be dissatisfied with my body. Sadly, most of the body shaming of women comes from women. People of all shapes and sizes can have body issues.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Beautiful post! Such a great reminder that words can be so hurtful. It’s so awful to comment on other’s bodies because we don’t know what their condition is. My mom struggles tremendously with her weight due to health issues. She’s about 5’5″ and around 78lbs today. We talk often about her weight. Something that has helped her maintain and sometimes gain depending on her health has been ensure (or similar) shakes. Best of luck on you’re journey!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. You are so brave for speaking out! Thank you for sharing! I remember feeling this same way when I was younger. I was 5’8″ and around 110 lbs. I got so sick of people telling me that I was too skinny that I started trying to lose weight I didn’t need to lose to spite them. I can’t see how people who shame people for being skinny don’t realize how harmful it really can be.

    Liked by 1 person

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